Why is it that famous people are always hiding and doing work-a-day jobs in my vicinity? Here is the line-up: Peter Falk was a crossing guard at the high school this morning, Danny Divito was patting down his hair outside of the Apple Store when I bought my coffee yesterday, two days ago Brad Pitt was working construction across the street from my office and, finally, Fidel Castro was riding a bike on 18th street a few weeks ago. One pattern I see clearly: men seem to do this and women do not. The famous women are busy actually doing their jobs. Maybe this is a reflection on the double duty women are still carrying on in our society - full time jobs and homeworkers as well. More on that later. Another pattern is that, except for Brad, I am not blessed with Johnny Depp or George Clooney sightings, which is really too bad, but maybe the more "traditionally beautiful" do not have more than one job, I do not know. I am thinking it is time for me to carry a camera and notepad for all my photo and autograph opportunities. I mean really, how hard is it for them to stop and give me some sugar? But here is where I do want to leave the men who keep appearing and go back to my "get to this later" reference.
Women and double duty. That is what I am thinking about. Do not think I am bashing the other gender here, I am just going to focus on what I am hearing in my practice all of the time. Women, especially those who are in a 40 plus hour job, are overworked because they are still, STILL, working in their profession and organizing the home. Not cleaning the toilets yourself does not mean that your partner is hiring the person to do it or straightening before the cleaning person comes. And, perhaps, childcare is shared, but in most households one person is organizing and covering and the other person is "helping". Does this account for why so many famous men have time on their hands? I think not. But, it does mean, that in a lot of homes with a male/female dyad and kids (another time on single parents), the meta thinking about the house is not being shared in ways that feel useful, maybe for either partner. I have also had men in my office saying they don't feel like they can break in because their partner has a way that works and they are going to muck it up. What to do?
As this pattern hurts everyone concerned, we need to address this systemically. You and your partner could sit down and really think through the days, weeks and months so that the third Tuesday in October when your child is home for an in-service, it is clear who has to plan for this way ahead of time. No confusion about who does it. That is simple. When the primary caregiver is the primary wage earner, or one of them, the equality flies out of the window. We have not figured out how to balance this, although I suspect in some families this works, and research may paint gay families as having a bit more equality of responsibility sharing. Being a parent brings delight to anyone's life, but running yourself into the ground does not. Many women tell me that they got out with a friend while their husbands babysat. Is it me, or is the idea that a father spending time with his children is called babysitting absurd? He is parenting and taking his turn at the bath and bedtime routine. And, most men actually enjoy the freedom to parent their children when they see it as part of their lives.
Short term change for women pulling double duty means planning differently, long term means looking at the family as a system to manage and sharing who has what duties. It means showing our kids what partnership means and how loved they are by two parents, who know how to run the family with love and respect. It means looking at how we raise our children to think about what chores mean and who does what and teaching them to plan, all of our children, boys and girls. It also means that probably both sexes, if currently working and in a couple and raising a child need to understand what time sucks chores, houses, kids, work and life is and prioritize themselves and each other into the equation. If you never put a line in your to do list for you, you don't show up. It is like savings, if you don't have a set amount that goes into some low earning savings account somewhere, you won't save. You already know I don't love to-do lists, but if you insist on having one, I insist you are on it. What do you need to not burn out? Women are now enjoying the same bad health men have when they overwork and have stress (heart attacks, strokes, need I go on?).
I want to suggest one thing. Communicate with your partner about what you each need to replenish and renew every day/week/month and fit it in. Write me and tell me what you do and how it works so I can share the ideas along. And I suspect that if this works I will see less famous men around me because they will be busy doing double duty in their lives with home and work. Oh well.
Until next time.
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