Robin Hornstein, Ph.D.

Robin Hornstein's Blog

http://robinhornstein.typepad.com/robin_hornstein_phd/

Women, Famous Men, Double Duty and Self-Care?

Why is it that famous people are always hiding and doing work-a-day jobs in my vicinity?  Here is the line-up: Peter Falk was a crossing guard at the high school this morning, Danny Divito was patting down his hair outside of the Apple Store when I bought my coffee yesterday, two days ago Brad Pitt was working construction across the street from my office and, finally, Fidel Castro was riding a bike on 18th street a few weeks ago.  One pattern I see clearly: men seem to do this and women do not.  The famous women are busy actually doing their jobs.  Maybe this is a reflection on the double duty women are still carrying on in our society - full time jobs and homeworkers as well. More on that later.  Another pattern is that, except for Brad, I am not blessed with Johnny Depp or George Clooney sightings, which is really too bad, but maybe the more "traditionally beautiful" do not have more than one job, I do not know.  I am thinking it is time for me to carry a camera and notepad for all my photo and autograph opportunities.  I mean really, how hard is it for them to stop and give me some sugar? But here is where I do want to leave the men who keep appearing and go back to my "get to this later" reference.

Women and double duty.  That is what I am thinking about.  Do not think I am bashing the other gender here, I am just going to focus on what I am hearing in my practice all of the time. Women, especially those who are in a 40 plus hour job, are overworked because they are still, STILL, working in their profession and organizing the home.  Not cleaning the toilets yourself does not mean that your partner is hiring the person to do it or straightening before the cleaning person comes.  And, perhaps, childcare is shared, but in most households one person is organizing and covering and the other person is "helping".  Does this account for why so many famous men have time on their hands?  I think not.  But, it does mean, that in a lot of homes with a male/female dyad and kids (another time on single parents), the meta thinking about the house is not being shared in ways that feel useful, maybe for either partner.  I have also had men in my office saying they don't feel like they can break in because their partner has a way that works and they are going to muck it up.  What to do? 

As this pattern hurts everyone concerned, we need to address this systemically.  You and your partner could sit down and really think through the days, weeks and months so that the third Tuesday in October when your child is home for an in-service, it is clear who has to plan for this way ahead of time.  No confusion about who does it.  That is simple.  When the primary caregiver is the primary wage earner, or one of them, the equality flies out of the window.  We have not figured out how to balance this, although I suspect in some families this works, and research may paint gay families as having a bit more equality of responsibility sharing.  Being a parent brings delight to anyone's life, but running yourself into the ground does not.  Many women tell me that they got out with a friend while their husbands babysat.  Is it me, or is the idea that a father spending time with his children is called babysitting absurd?  He is parenting and taking his turn at the bath and bedtime routine.  And, most men actually enjoy the freedom to parent their children when they see it as part of their lives. 

Short term change for women pulling double duty means planning differently, long term means looking at the family as a system to manage and sharing who has what duties.  It means showing our kids what partnership means and how loved they are by two parents, who know how to run the family with love and respect.  It means looking at how we raise our children to think about what chores mean and who does what and teaching them to plan, all of our children, boys and girls. It also means that probably both sexes, if currently working and in a couple and raising a child need to understand what time sucks chores, houses, kids, work and life is and prioritize themselves and each other into the equation.  If you never put a line in your to do list for you, you don't show up.  It is like savings, if you don't have a set amount that goes into some low earning savings account somewhere, you won't save.  You already know I don't love to-do lists, but if you insist on having one, I insist you are on it.  What do you need to not burn out?  Women are now enjoying the same bad health men have when they overwork and have stress (heart attacks, strokes, need I go on?). 

I want to suggest one thing.  Communicate with your partner about what you each need to replenish and renew every day/week/month and fit it in.  Write me and tell me what you do and how it works so I can share the ideas along.  And I suspect that if this works I will see less famous men around me because they will be busy doing double duty in their lives with home and work.  Oh well. 

Until next time.

My Imprint (and yours) and, yes I haven't written in a while

When I woke up this morning I began to follow the same routine I always do, nothing unusual.  Stretch, stand, bathroom activities, dress and tea.  In a break with the daily habits however, I found myself drawn to examine my body, mentally, for something not readily seen, but present somehow in the misty mind.  An expiration date.  That is all.  Just the stamp of my expiration.  Lest you think I was being morbid, I was.  But, wholly present and aware as well.

Why do we, in developed countries, mark things with the last date of usage?  Simple, it reminds us to enjoy or use it up before it is no longer available to us.  I found myself jealous of the carton of milk waiting to be flavor for my tea and a bone builder for my body.  Jealous of something that lasts for so short a time?  Yes. And why?  Because if I found this stamp on myself I know I would be more considerate, loving and mindful of what each day held.  If I saw this on the ones I love and the strangers I met each day, I would treat them with more expansive love and hold their lives in a more precious manner.

Maybe it is poor taste to admit I am less mindful without this stamp, but it is true.  And I am well aware that if I had this deadline, so to speak, I would fret over it and try to change it with better self care than my daily life generally affords me.  But today I am acting as if I found this date.  I lovingly got my daughter off to school and took a run.  I listened to songs I selected on my I-pod and breathed in the air as I stepped quickly through my neighborhood.  I said hello to people at the bus stop and smiled at people who let me pass in front of their cars.  I was happy and self focused.

However, John O' Donohue, a wonderful man, poet, writer, ex-clergy and deceased mindfulness practitioner showed up randomly on my music selection.  It was a piece from his spoken word CD on Beauty.  His Irish lilt always rivets my attention and his words challenge me and make me smile.  He asked a simple question about our relationship to the earth; does the earth love us and miss us when we are gone? He had much to say about the earth caring for us as much as we love our chance to be earth bound for our lives.  I liked his idea, once again as I usually do, that we can be loved and missed by the place we are not usually wanting to exit. 

This led me to think more deeply about my need to know when I will die in order to treat myself with the love I deserve, and the need to know when this is true for others.  What about when the earth dies?  Do I treat my planet with a mutual love and respect or continue to treat it with the arrogance of youth that says, never mind, the next person will take that step or precaution.  In all, my mental meanderings lead me back to my urgency to be kind, loving and respectful today and tomorrow, to myself and others.

If you are reading this and in struggle with some imperfection in yourself that you think changing will bring you a light and shiny soul, I hope you reconsider.  The perfect you is the you right now and the goal is to treat yourself with the food, rest, love, and consideration that everyone else deserves.  Especially for those of you reading in struggle with depression or an eating disorder, I say this:  find your self as if that self was a delightful present and co-exist with the person, the full person, you can be.  Find the good in the relationship to self, others, and earth and maybe today will feel like the gift it certainly can be.  Until next time.

Jessica Simpson's Curves

It is no surprise to anyone that we, as a nation, watch our performers with an eye toward learning about ourselves.  We want to know what to wear, how to walk, how many children they have and how they handle heartache.  We watch them and we hope we can have what they appear to have.  But, we also study them as objects and judge them as if we had a hunting license.  It is a case in point that weight is one of the things we study and compare, even if the pictures we actually see are altered, in order to continue our illusion of beauty.  We all want to be beautiful and many of us never see our true selves and how lovely we really are.  That is a sad truth.  One that bothers me all the time.  I sit as a therapist bearing witness to gorgeous people, not understanding their inner or outer selves, and bemoaning their flaws.  If a therapist who works in the eating disordered world tells you she doesn't long to tell her clients how beautiful they are, don't believe her. 

Meanwhile, one of my clients brought me a picture Jessica Simpson's "new curves".  In an article that connected her curves with her happiness, we see a glowing Simpson with a smile on her face and some, as my family would say, meat on her bones.  Lovely, wonderful and in her own words letting us know, when she is in love, she doesn't worry about weight, just health. I saw her as a woman living in the spotlight and trying, as we all do, to balance the edges between expected body type and a living body which changes over time.  She looks like she is alive and, believe me, trim and fit.  But her image is one for us to all project our deep seated feelings about women's bodies onto and sometimes our projections are accurate and other times  they are distorted.  I wonder what others are thinking about this image. Google let me see that she has been called out on this image in positive and negative ways.  This is what disturbs me the most.  So, my recommendation is as follows; remove your judge of self and Jessica and really think of what a body can be. Think of the strength, beauty, sexuality and fun you can have in/from and with your body.  Make a list of what your body did today and what you ask it to do.  Make a list of all the ways you truly physically cared for your body today.  Now, make a list of all the things you say to yourself today about your body.  Add one complement for every criticism and appreciate yourself, and Jessica, today.  Let me know how that feels if you like.  Have a great day.

Losing Belly Fat

Ajah Chah, a Buddhist teacher, said, and I quote roughly here, "If it shouldn't be happening, it wouldn't be happening."  I say the following, women, "if we shouldn't have bellies, we wouldn't have bellies".  I might send that out to you men as well.  We are a nation obsessed with our bellies:  too fat, not flat, too curvy, too big, not sexy, a turn-off, the evil face of the mirror, need I go on?  Women read every suggestion they can on how to lose their bellies.  But what if they are meant to be there?  What if they are meant to pooch and round out?  What if they need to be accepted for their ability to stretch around a baby and hold in our organs and support our backs? What if they are a necessary part of our body???  Well, then we would have to hold belly rallies, take pictures of our real bellies and show them off.  Stop the touch ups done to model bellies in pictures and the continual surgery performed on perfectly normal parts of ourselves.  We would have to protest in a large way and teach the loves of our lives and our children to choose belly love and lose the belly fat syndrome.  Who is with me?  Can we have a belly in?  Can we ask Obama to get a Belly platform?  I kid, but the deadly facts of eating disorders are no joke.  The self hatred deep in the belly, yes belly, of many women kills their personality, their vigor and spirit.  Join me in the Belly Revolution and do the following:  Place your hand on your belly and send in warmth and love.  Tell your best friend about your newly found, long missing body part and share the love.  Stop hiding it behind fashion that flattens and go for comfort.  I wish you strength in this very difficult battle. 

Dear Oprah

Oprah,
I just wanted to let you know that your stance on body image and weight has done more harm than good for the women and girls who admire you.  Admitting you are up to 200 with shame and have let yourself go is another way that we as women begin to think that there is one ideal body size and weight.  It is sad to me that you cannot figure out by now that you are not meant to be a small woman and that your meaning in the world does not come from the numbers that are revealed to you when you step on the scale.  I wish for you, as I do for all women, the sense of wonder at the many things your body does, the good you do in the world with your mind and your ambition, and hope that the future does not lie in one more diet secret.  When women come into my practice, they  to come to terms with their bodies and renounce the  magical numbers that equal success.  We work together to find deeper meaning in life than the one that equates the ideal body to be that of a ten year old boy with breasts.  I send you, Oprah, a reminder that you hold a lot of power and you can demonstrate acceptance and love of all body types.  I hope you can find the peace of mind to grow with yourself into a fuller woman,  in the truest sense of the word full. 

Fear No More

One of the earliest emotions we experience as human beings is fear.  It makes sense, it helps us survive, we need fear to identify who we can trust.  Yet, we hold on to fear as a guide for way too long.  There are many things we should continue to have a cautious anxiety about  - guns aimed at us, people trying to take away our rights, and ingesting things we don't recognize are good examples of this.  But what about the things we fear that limit our lives and have no reason to control us?  Food, new people, new experiences.  I would ask of myself and my readers to find one thing that you fear over the next few weeks and face it down.  For instance, talk to someone you are interested in authentically, challenge yourself to learn something you don't know, act silly, eat, or take responsibility for your own dreams.  Write to me and let me know what you try.  I will admit, right here, that I am going to submit some poems to journals and aim for some publications.  My back-up plan is to find a writers group to help me decide how to better my poems.  I will let you know how it works.  I end with this:

"Prescription"

Stagger and flop in America
Hold this night beside love
Slather paradise with poppy blossoms
Drip like rhythm, not matter
Play life in a river until dizzy.

a great link for you

http://jetpakking.blogspot.com

My To/Do List

I jumped out of bed at 11:30 with another thought that I wanted to add to my list of things to do; this time it was transcribing a poem from scribble to computer file.  Sleep interrupted, my normal trajectory of ideas began to float into my vision, like a three dimensional photo made out of a "lite-brite" I once saw in a DC museum.  Depending on your position it looked like art, lights or nothing, and all views were interesting.  Of course the subject was the naked parents of the artist, this made it even more intriguing for me as a therapist.  But that is another story.  The story I really find compelling is the one about how we organize our organizing and end up lost and forgotten, much like the email that has sunk to last on the list and no longer holds sway.  I am suggesting that we over determine our lives to the point of absurdity, all to be well rounded instead of singularly focused folks.  Specialists are a dying breed while generalists abound when we look at how we lead our lives.  Tonight, after taking my daughter to the mall, I made a new recipe and drove off to show a friend my haircut.  Upon return, I was on-line and then watched "Friends" with my teen and got in bed.  And, my reactive leaving of the comfortable bed was to do.  TO DO.  If I were a specialist, say in poetry or lite-brite art, I would feel as torn when I should be reading a book, magazine and online story, cook dinner, call clients, call friends, write poetry, read email, upload the photos from the party I held on Sunday, do laundry, the list doesn't end.  I  am wondering if I could assign months for each topic, live and breathe it and see what the final result would be and what would fall away.As a matter of fact, that will be my new thing.  I will categorize my todo lists and pick a category each month and see if I write more poems, or finish my work, or try to make strawberry shortcake.  My new motto is :TO DO LESS.  I will let you know how it goes.   

How To Lose Weight

Did the subject get your attention?  I would imagine it did, as it does mine and many other people as they decide what latest attempt they will make to reshape their bodies into the athletic, feminine, masculine, strong, sexy, thin, skinny, erased idea of a woman or man that is desired.  But there are few steps to true weight loss and maintenance that count.  Two weeks with this plan and you would, if you really are over your BMI or Healthy Weight, see how it can be done.  First, freecycle all of your diet books, including the pages torn from magazines with one week meal plans.  Second, go outside and walk, garden, and breathe; this must be done every day for a good deal of your time.  Third, eat when you are hungry - meaning that empty feeling that growls, and stop when you begin to feel full. Full feels like your tummy is done even if your mouth is not.  Fourth, meditate about life and what you want out of it; is your meditation full of food thoughts?  Ok, so ten years from now you want to be thinking of chocolate cake?  Or would you prefer to have seen a side of yourself, like your inner child of play, finally take that art class and soar?  If you can't do the above without good and bad foods, self loathing and fear, I suggest a support group or therapy to help ease the way.  Eat with gusto, smile with your blessings and find your real thoughts, feelings and dreams.  Robin