Robin Hornstein, Ph.D.

Jessica Simpson's Curves

It is no surprise to anyone that we, as a nation, watch our performers with an eye toward learning about ourselves.  We want to know what to wear, how to walk, how many children they have and how they handle heartache.  We watch them and we hope we can have what they appear to have.  But, we also study them as objects and judge them as if we had a hunting license.  It is a case in point that weight is one of the things we study and compare, even if the pictures we actually see are altered, in order to continue our illusion of beauty.  We all want to be beautiful and many of us never see our true selves and how lovely we really are.  That is a sad truth.  One that bothers me all the time.  I sit as a therapist bearing witness to gorgeous people, not understanding their inner or outer selves, and bemoaning their flaws.  If a therapist who works in the eating disordered world tells you she doesn't long to tell her clients how beautiful they are, don't believe her. 

Meanwhile, one of my clients brought me a picture Jessica Simpson's "new curves".  In an article that connected her curves with her happiness, we see a glowing Simpson with a smile on her face and some, as my family would say, meat on her bones.  Lovely, wonderful and in her own words letting us know, when she is in love, she doesn't worry about weight, just health. I saw her as a woman living in the spotlight and trying, as we all do, to balance the edges between expected body type and a living body which changes over time.  She looks like she is alive and, believe me, trim and fit.  But her image is one for us to all project our deep seated feelings about women's bodies onto and sometimes our projections are accurate and other times  they are distorted.  I wonder what others are thinking about this image. Google let me see that she has been called out on this image in positive and negative ways.  This is what disturbs me the most.  So, my recommendation is as follows; remove your judge of self and Jessica and really think of what a body can be. Think of the strength, beauty, sexuality and fun you can have in/from and with your body.  Make a list of what your body did today and what you ask it to do.  Make a list of all the ways you truly physically cared for your body today.  Now, make a list of all the things you say to yourself today about your body.  Add one complement for every criticism and appreciate yourself, and Jessica, today.  Let me know how that feels if you like.  Have a great day.

Losing Belly Fat

Ajah Chah, a Buddhist teacher, said, and I quote roughly here, "If it shouldn't be happening, it wouldn't be happening."  I say the following, women, "if we shouldn't have bellies, we wouldn't have bellies".  I might send that out to you men as well.  We are a nation obsessed with our bellies:  too fat, not flat, too curvy, too big, not sexy, a turn-off, the evil face of the mirror, need I go on?  Women read every suggestion they can on how to lose their bellies.  But what if they are meant to be there?  What if they are meant to pooch and round out?  What if they need to be accepted for their ability to stretch around a baby and hold in our organs and support our backs? What if they are a necessary part of our body???  Well, then we would have to hold belly rallies, take pictures of our real bellies and show them off.  Stop the touch ups done to model bellies in pictures and the continual surgery performed on perfectly normal parts of ourselves.  We would have to protest in a large way and teach the loves of our lives and our children to choose belly love and lose the belly fat syndrome.  Who is with me?  Can we have a belly in?  Can we ask Obama to get a Belly platform?  I kid, but the deadly facts of eating disorders are no joke.  The self hatred deep in the belly, yes belly, of many women kills their personality, their vigor and spirit.  Join me in the Belly Revolution and do the following:  Place your hand on your belly and send in warmth and love.  Tell your best friend about your newly found, long missing body part and share the love.  Stop hiding it behind fashion that flattens and go for comfort.  I wish you strength in this very difficult battle. 

Dear Oprah

Oprah,
I just wanted to let you know that your stance on body image and weight has done more harm than good for the women and girls who admire you.  Admitting you are up to 200 with shame and have let yourself go is another way that we as women begin to think that there is one ideal body size and weight.  It is sad to me that you cannot figure out by now that you are not meant to be a small woman and that your meaning in the world does not come from the numbers that are revealed to you when you step on the scale.  I wish for you, as I do for all women, the sense of wonder at the many things your body does, the good you do in the world with your mind and your ambition, and hope that the future does not lie in one more diet secret.  When women come into my practice, they  to come to terms with their bodies and renounce the  magical numbers that equal success.  We work together to find deeper meaning in life than the one that equates the ideal body to be that of a ten year old boy with breasts.  I send you, Oprah, a reminder that you hold a lot of power and you can demonstrate acceptance and love of all body types.  I hope you can find the peace of mind to grow with yourself into a fuller woman,  in the truest sense of the word full. 

Fear No More

One of the earliest emotions we experience as human beings is fear.  It makes sense, it helps us survive, we need fear to identify who we can trust.  Yet, we hold on to fear as a guide for way too long.  There are many things we should continue to have a cautious anxiety about  - guns aimed at us, people trying to take away our rights, and ingesting things we don't recognize are good examples of this.  But what about the things we fear that limit our lives and have no reason to control us?  Food, new people, new experiences.  I would ask of myself and my readers to find one thing that you fear over the next few weeks and face it down.  For instance, talk to someone you are interested in authentically, challenge yourself to learn something you don't know, act silly, eat, or take responsibility for your own dreams.  Write to me and let me know what you try.  I will admit, right here, that I am going to submit some poems to journals and aim for some publications.  My back-up plan is to find a writers group to help me decide how to better my poems.  I will let you know how it works.  I end with this:

"Prescription"

Stagger and flop in America
Hold this night beside love
Slather paradise with poppy blossoms
Drip like rhythm, not matter
Play life in a river until dizzy.

a great link for you

http://jetpakking.blogspot.com

My To/Do List

I jumped out of bed at 11:30 with another thought that I wanted to add to my list of things to do; this time it was transcribing a poem from scribble to computer file.  Sleep interrupted, my normal trajectory of ideas began to float into my vision, like a three dimensional photo made out of a "lite-brite" I once saw in a DC museum.  Depending on your position it looked like art, lights or nothing, and all views were interesting.  Of course the subject was the naked parents of the artist, this made it even more intriguing for me as a therapist.  But that is another story.  The story I really find compelling is the one about how we organize our organizing and end up lost and forgotten, much like the email that has sunk to last on the list and no longer holds sway.  I am suggesting that we over determine our lives to the point of absurdity, all to be well rounded instead of singularly focused folks.  Specialists are a dying breed while generalists abound when we look at how we lead our lives.  Tonight, after taking my daughter to the mall, I made a new recipe and drove off to show a friend my haircut.  Upon return, I was on-line and then watched "Friends" with my teen and got in bed.  And, my reactive leaving of the comfortable bed was to do.  TO DO.  If I were a specialist, say in poetry or lite-brite art, I would feel as torn when I should be reading a book, magazine and online story, cook dinner, call clients, call friends, write poetry, read email, upload the photos from the party I held on Sunday, do laundry, the list doesn't end.  I  am wondering if I could assign months for each topic, live and breathe it and see what the final result would be and what would fall away.As a matter of fact, that will be my new thing.  I will categorize my todo lists and pick a category each month and see if I write more poems, or finish my work, or try to make strawberry shortcake.  My new motto is :TO DO LESS.  I will let you know how it goes.   

How To Lose Weight

Did the subject get your attention?  I would imagine it did, as it does mine and many other people as they decide what latest attempt they will make to reshape their bodies into the athletic, feminine, masculine, strong, sexy, thin, skinny, erased idea of a woman or man that is desired.  But there are few steps to true weight loss and maintenance that count.  Two weeks with this plan and you would, if you really are over your BMI or Healthy Weight, see how it can be done.  First, freecycle all of your diet books, including the pages torn from magazines with one week meal plans.  Second, go outside and walk, garden, and breathe; this must be done every day for a good deal of your time.  Third, eat when you are hungry - meaning that empty feeling that growls, and stop when you begin to feel full. Full feels like your tummy is done even if your mouth is not.  Fourth, meditate about life and what you want out of it; is your meditation full of food thoughts?  Ok, so ten years from now you want to be thinking of chocolate cake?  Or would you prefer to have seen a side of yourself, like your inner child of play, finally take that art class and soar?  If you can't do the above without good and bad foods, self loathing and fear, I suggest a support group or therapy to help ease the way.  Eat with gusto, smile with your blessings and find your real thoughts, feelings and dreams.  Robin

Getting Back to Writing

I find that I get excited and busy with lots of things in my life.  For instance, this blog.  I was determined to write a lot and let people know what I thought about.  Then my daughter had a Bat Mitzvah.  Suddenly all of my time on line had some connection to appetizers and take home gifts.  It was an amazing event but the build up took it's toll.  Meanwhile, I learned a lot recently about how we change in our lives.  I had procrastinated writing and suddenly Women's Day magazine called me (see June 2008, page 14).  Angela Ebron, a writer for the magazine that we all see in the checkout line in the market, called and told me she had read about Opposite Day in my blog and wanted to interview me.  Not only did I find that flattering and exciting, but it felt quite ironic as I hadn't written in forever.  So what is the take away here?  Do things you like and don't judge your timing.  Get back to things or wait until they call you back and lead you somewhere else.  I promise to write more often and to try to share what life lessons show up on my doorstep. 

Cold Play - Speed of Sound

A line in "Speed of Sound" is very inspirational.  Take a listen to the song if you have never heard it or read the line and meditate on it for a few moments.

"Climb up, up in the trees
Every chance that you get is a chance you seize".

When is the last time you climbed in a tree, really looked at the world from a new perspective? Saw the very issue driving you crazy from a distance so that it was smaller?  If not in a while, it is time to seize an opportunity today. Do what you have been putting off, tell someone you love them, take a walk and start that journey of physical strength, dance in your house to your favorite song, or like me, sing it while you walk without worrying what others think.  Inspiration is all around us, new chances, sparkling right there.  Breathe, dream, plan and climb your tree.

Opposite Day

It started simply enough, my daughter asked to have dessert first.  Thus began a family tradition of backwards dinners.  Simply stated - eat your sweets, then a main course and salad.  If you have room, add some soup at the end.  A few months later a client told me about opposite day: "go against most of your decisions, do the opposite and see what happens".  She told me this in the context of her eating disorder and  relationship issues and, to both of our surprises, it made one of those tiny changes that started a revolution in her life.

Since that time, I try to apply opposite day in many ways in my life and suggest it to clients as well.  I especially find it helps with my rather strange sense of direction which always points the natural opposite to the place I am headed.  It works with food, friends and lovers as well as work situations.  For instance, if you usually feel anger at someone who is always late, show compassion and see what happens.  Do you usually feel defensive with your mother?  Take her to lunch when you would normally pull away and see what can change.  If you trust yourself to use this in small ways that help you, go ahead, adopt the day as yours and write me if you find out anything about yourself.